The Incredible History of Fandy Rant: His Tragic Rise & Fall tells the story of Fandy Rant, the only boy ever born just 8 inches tall. It was finished in January 2016. This version is sung by the composer. An ideal production would involve multiple singers in the various roles.
Here is the text:
The Life of Fandy Rant

Part 1

This is the story of Fandy Rant
His tragic rise and fall
The only man ever born
Just eight inches tall

You may have heard about it
For a while the news was hot
But then a bomb went off somewhere
And slowly they forgot

But when it all began
It was everywhere
Experts talked about it
People said “We care”

But next there came an earthquake
Then a war someplace
And by six months afterwards
You couldn’t find a trace

His mom and dad were shocked at first
The doctors were surprised
No one was prepared for this
They could not believe their eyes!

Eight inches high!
Eight inches high!
It seemed like the strangest thing
People wondered why…?

Did his mom eat only vegetables?
Was it prenatal care?
Did his dad like Bonsai trees?
Theories filled the air.

Knee-high to a Grasshopper
Is what the papers said
His parents took him home
And called him Fandy Rant instead

Fandy Rant , Fandy Rant
Just eight inches tall
The headlines all proclaimed him
To be a living doll

He was like all babies
Who laugh and smile and cry
They laid him in his little bed
And sang a lullaby:

Lay down little baby
I’ll sing you a song
Your bed is in a shoebox
You’re eight inches long.

Rock little baby
This day ends at last
Darkness creeps along the floor
The night is falling fast

Sleep little baby
Lay down your tiny head
When life makes you weary
Dream your dreams instead…

Rock little baby
This day ends at last
Darkness creeps along the floor
The night is falling fast

So Fandy’s life began
He watched the world go past
Looking at the ducks
Playing on the grass
Time went marching on
The news had long died down
Fandy opened up his eyes
And took a look around

Interlude: Fandy Discovers the World

And so he looked around
And what he saw was this:
He didn’t seem to change
Like the other kids

He wondered what was happening
It was something strange
Everyone got bigger
While he stayed the same

And not just the outside
It was the inside, too
He asked just what the problem was
What did he have to do?

Should he pull the legs off spiders?
Should he kill a cat?
Should he hit somebody
With a baseball bat?

All the other boys
That he chanced to meet
Would shoot at him with BB guns
And chase him down the street

Or they set their dogs on him
So he’d have to run
Or brag about their height
They called this having fun



The little girls were nicer
They would comb his hair
Pretend that they were nurses
Or show their underwear

Sometimes they’d give him orders
Like they were his mom
Or take the clothes from dolls
And make him put them on

But even though he knew
That he was out of step
He didn’t let life get him down
Thinking, OK, I accept

Slowly as the years went by
He noticed that they changed
The boys now all forgot him
The girls drifted away

Slowly as the years went by
He noticed that they changed
The boys now all forgot him
The girls drifted away…

Yes, Fandy stayed the same
Just eight inches high
He felt so very lonely
But no one heard him sigh…


Part 2

Then one day there came a knock
Of someone at the door
He opened it and saw someone
He’d not seen before


It wasn’t a reporter
From the news on the TV
He introduced himself
As Doctor Rathill, PhD

His parents seemed to know him
They said please take a seat
He was dignified
Would he like a bite to eat?

No he said but thank you
I’m so honored to be here
How I’ve longed to meet you Fandy
You’ve nothing to fear!

Fandy, listen closely
The studies we have made
Locate your challenged height
In your DNA

If we can isolate it
There are things that we can do
So in the future there will be
No other boys like you

I’ve spoken with your parents
And they are both OK
Outside a car is waiting
We could start today

Fandy didn’t say a word
But something was amiss
It seemed the world was saying
He should not exist

He looked at his parents
They didn’t seemed surprised
They both seemed worn down
He could see it in their eyes
His life flashed before him
It’s like he’d only see
The recurrent message
Where is the place for me?

Fandy told the doctor
He’d go and pack his sack
And then he went to his room
Saying wait, I’ll be right back

Now at a circus he’d once bought
A helium balloon
He kept it on a string
On the bed post in his room

He opened the window
Tied the string around his waist
And the next thing that he knew
He was floating up in space

Out across the river
Up above the trees
Looking down below him
Carried by the breeze

The world didn’t look so big
When he was up this high
And so he floated carelessly
As the birds went passing by

Interlude: Fandy Travels through the Air

When he felt out of danger
He took a look straight down
And there below his feet
Was the city called Bigtown



Fandy said well, why not here?
And undid the knot
And he drifted down
As the helium leaked out

Now Bigtown was just that
And Fandy walked about
But what to do to make a buck
He hadn’t figured out

But fortune smiles upon the brave
So after a rough start
He finally found a job
Selling French Fries à la carte

He quit and found another
Cleaning out stuffed drains
Then another and another
All different but the same

Then one day he saw an ad
Easy work, High pay!
So he called the number
And had a meeting that same day

The address was a hotel
In a seedy part of town
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
So Fandy went on down

He found himself in a room
With klieg lights and a bed
And there were several pretty girls
It went straight to his head

The Director now came in
His eyes lit up like lights
You’re really gonna wow ‘em
A sensation over night
I got a Big Idea
We’ll stick a camera on your face
And with a little bit of Vaseline
We can put you any place

So tell me kid, how does it sound
Could be your lucky break
They’re lining up outside the door
This is the chance to take

Fandy had been lonely
His heart was like a knot
The girls all smiled so warmly
Fandy said why not?

So he signed the paper
And they started right away
His contact stipulated
A new film each day

First was The Human Dildo
Then Eight Inch Hercules
Next The Horny Hotdog
Then Big Titty Squeeze

Billy Butt Plug was a hit
So was Dinky Toy
The list went on and on
The Director jumped for joy

But Fandy wasn’t happy
Cause once the thrill was gone
He looked around and realized
He felt empty and alone

Then one day on the set
Fandy wasn’t there
The director wasn’t happy
They searched everywhere
But they couldn’t find him
Sent a limo to his place
But he had disappeared
Gone without a trace

Part 3

Professor Midnights’ Freak Show
Went from coast to coast
Renowned Curiosities
Its painted sign did boast

There were the Spotted Sisters
And The Final Man
Buggy Hump, the Texas Twins
There was Smiling Dan

Fandy’d seen the wagon
He’d seen the painted sign
Not a minute had passed by
And he’d made up his mind

He found Professor Midnight
And said he’d like a job
He wasn’t very picky
He didn’t play the snob

He said he’d do the dirty work
Cooking and the rest
Kind of stay behind the scenes
That’s what he liked the best

The Professor looked him over
Kid I like your face
You sell the tickets
Push the broom around the place



So he joined the freak show
It had the ring of sense
He’d do the cleaning up
And slowly he made friends

He met the Giant Lady
Which seems to prove the fact
That love is blind or at least
That opposites attract

They’d play chess and talk
Or sometimes have a beer
Finally he could relax
Knowing she was near

So Fandy finally had a home
Or something of that sort
Didn’t think too much about it
He’d just do his work

Then one day there came a knock
Exactly like before
And there was Dr Rathill
Standing at his door

He said that he was sorry
For the last time they had met
The proposition he had made
Had been indelicate

But since there’d been a breakthrough
Something you could trust
I have found the way
To make you just like us

I can make you grow again
You’ll be big and strong
Just take this little pill my friend
And it won’t take long
He held out his hand
And in it Fandy saw
The little yellow pill
That would make him tall

Yes the doctor said
You can be like us
Fandy looked him in the eyes
He finally had enough

But Fandy stood his ground
No escape balloon this time
No thank you Dr Rathill
I’ve made up my mind

I should have done this long ago
The doctor wondered what he meant
As Fandy walked outside
To the Giant Lady’s tent

Oh dear Giant Lady
Let me crawl inside
Spread your legs wide open
I need a place to hide

The world that I’ve experienced
Is a cruel and nasty place
But once back in your uterus
Maybe I’ll be safe

The Giant Lady said why not
We’ve always been friends
And so he went inside to live
And that’s where the story ends

Fandy Rant, Fandy Rant
Just eight inches tall
The headlines all proclaimed him
To be a living doll.